


John the Love Guru

by LumenInFusco



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, Multi, Shorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 15:52:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5503697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumenInFusco/pseuds/LumenInFusco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whether it's sorting out a long-term relationship, making sure a new relationship starts off on the right foot, or just help asking for that first date, everyone knows where to go to get the best relationship advice. Part of Giftstuck 2015, hope you enjoy it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	John the Love Guru

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cobalt_Sniper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cobalt_Sniper/gifts).



      “What the fuck does ‘emotionally unavailable’ even mean, anyway?”

      “’Hello’ to you too, Dave,” John smirked.

      “Hey, Egbert.” Dave wasn’t about to acknowledge John’s admonishment, nor was John expecting him to. “How’s it hangin’?”

      “Same as always, dude!” John playfully tousled Dave’s hair, letting his hand linger just a little bit too long before pulling it back.

      “Cool.” Dave took a breath. “So Karkat keeps saying I’m ‘emotionally unavailable’. I’m not sure which of his shitty romcoms he picked up that term, but he’s apparently adopted it to be his new catchphrase. Can I sit down?”

      “Sure thing!” John answered cheerfully, as he gestured to the chair across from his. With the hectic chaos of all that he had been through finally over with, he had time to make his living room a bit more intimate in terms of furniture arrangement.

      Dave took his seat, resuming his rant. “I think he’s mad because the other night, he asked me about this movie that we watched together, and I honestly didn’t have anything to say.”

      “That’s hard to believe! You’ve hardly stopped talking since you got here.”

      “Dunno what to tell you, John. Nothing about that movie really struck me as conversation-worthy.”

      “So what did you end up saying to him?”

      “Pretty much what I just said to you. And that was the wrongest god damn answer I could have given.” Dave scratched the back of his neck. “Turns out that movie is the Citizen Kane of shitty romantic comedies and my failure to appreciate the depth of its complexity was an affront that simply could not stand. After a while I had to remind him to breathe because I seriously thought he was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Used the phrase “emotionally unavailable” no fewer than eighteen times.”

      John said nothing, and absently rested his hand on Dave’s knee.

      “And like, a part of me is feeling bad, like obviously this is important to him and I get that he wants to be able to share it with me, but at the same time, I can’t force what isn’t there, you know?” Dave asked rhetorically. “And seriously, what the fuck does ‘emotionally unavailable’ even mean?”

      “Well Dave,” began John. “It sounds to me like this is a lot of fuss over just another shitty movie.”

      “You’re telling me,” agreed Dave. “And this movie wasn’t even that shitty. It wasn’t great, obviously, but it wasn’t even really shitty enough to get worked up over either. Really, there just isn’t anything about it worth talking about, especially not the sheer amount of talking he was doing.” Dave paused. “It’s almost as if…” he trailed off.

      “Almost as if what?”

      Dave sighed. “Fuck. He wasn’t talking about the movie at all.”

      John smiled, and allowed Dave to continue.

      “This isn’t about that stupid movie, it’s about me, isn’t it?”

      John pulled his hand away and leaned back in his seat. “Dave, I’m not gonna pretend I know what goes on in Karkat’s messed up head. But one thing I do know is that any time there’s a fight like this, whatever the fight is about is usually not what the fight is actually about.”

      “Yeah, I figured as much just now.” Dave crossed his arms and leaned inward. “So what do you think he wants from me?”

      “Being in a relationship means sharing yourself with another person. That’s not always the easiest thing to do.” John leaned forward to be level with Dave. Though he couldn’t see his eyes through his sunglasses, he felt he had a bead on where Dave was looking. “Karkat’s so used to having his guard up all the time that I bet it’s extra scary for him to try to let that down.”

      “So you’re saying that he really wants to tell me some things, but for whatever reason, doesn’t feel like he can?”

      “That’s usually what ‘emotionally unavailable’ means. He wants to know that he can share some deep, personal things with you and that you’ll listen with an open mind and an open heart.”

      Dave stumbled on his words a bit. “Well, I mean, of course I would.” He turned his gaze to the window. “So…how do I show him that?”

      “That part’s simple!” John chirped. “Just tell him. Sit him down somewhere private,” John gestured at the room around them, “put your hand on his shoulder,” he demonstrated with his own hand on Dave’s shoulder, “look him right in the eye, and tell him,” his expression became serious. “‘I’m here with you, Karkat. You know that you can tell me anything, right?’”.

      A few seconds passed before Dave snapped out of the moment. “Wow. That…that does sound really easy.”

      John smiled again, and pulled Dave toward him to gently kiss the peak of his forehead. “Good luck. Karkat’s a really lucky guy.”

      Dave cracked a smile, a rare sight that John positively reveled in. “So, you wanna play some video games or something?”

      “Thought you’d never ask,” John said, reaching for the TV remote.

* * *

      “I guess I really just don’t want to be her accessory, you know?”

      “Mm-hmm,” John nodded as he continued brushing Aradia’s hair from behind her. He loved how silky and smooth it felt between his fingers as he guided the brush.

      “I mean, it doesn’t bother me that Feferi’s family is really wealthy. It’s not as if she’s ever acted like being the heiress to the Peixes fortune meant she was better than other people. She’s always been really nice, and not just to me.”

      “So what’s the problem?” John asked, shifting his weight a bit on the ground.

      “Well, just like everyone knows that she comes from the richest family in town, it’s also no secret that I come from one of the poorest. I guess…” Aradia paused for a moment to think. “I don’t want her to think of me as some kind of charity case.”

      “Has she ever treated you like a charity case? Also, this might be kind of weird to ask, but can I rub your shoulders?”

      “Oh, definitely!” Aradia enthusiastically agreed. “I mean, about rubbing my shoulders. Not about treating me like a charity case. I could use a good massage. And no. At least, I don’t think so.”

      John set down the hairbrush and began kneading around Aradia’s neck. “You don’t think so?” he repeated.

      “I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried that she’s using her relationship with me to show everyone what a good person she is, this beautiful rich girl taking pity on poor, ragged old me.”

      John peered over her shoulder. “That’s not how you really see yourself, is it?”

      Aradia craned her neck a little bit. “No, of course not. But I’ve heard what some people say about me when I’m not around.”

      “And has Feferi ever said any of those things when you’re not around?”

      “…No, I can’t say I’ve ever heard of her saying anything like that.”

      “Aradia, is it really so hard to believe that the reason Feferi wants to be with you is because you’re actually a really cool and great person?”

      Aradia tilted her head slightly. “When you put it that way, I guess it’s hard to argue, isn’t it?”

      John chuckled and moved his hands down to wrap his arms around her waist. She giggled as he rocked them from side to side, and again when he kissed her cheek.

      Aradia grasped John’s hands around her middle. “Do you really think I’m a great person?”

      “Of course I do!” John said without hesitation, resting his head on her shoulder. “I’ve been pulling for you two ever since I first met you. When she told me she was gonna ask you out, I was soooo psyched!”

      “She told you?”

      John shrugged. “It’s sort of a thing people do. I’m pretty used to it.”

      “So was it your idea for her to take me to my favorite natural history museum for our first date?”

      John smiled innocently. “Mmmmmaybe.”

      Aradia reached over to scratch the side of John’s head. “You’re both sweet. Thank you.”

      John pressed his chin affectionately into Aradia’s shoulder. “So! Now that your hair’s done, what’s next? Do we do that thing where you put those little plastic thingies between your toes?”

      Aradia laughed. “John, are you seriously offering to give me a pedicure?”

      “Sure, why not?” he beamed. “After all, only the best for Feferi’s newest accessory!”

      Aradia playfully elbowed him in the gut. “Jerk,” she smirked.

      He only grinned in response.

* * *

      “’…and so, evven though your social standing is so hopelessly beloww mine, it is my hope that you wwill be so honored by my request that you’ll feel positivvely compelled to havve no choice but to accept. Yours in sincere humility, Eridan Ampora.’” Eridan looked up from his note.

      John stood unimpressed with his arms crossed.

      “Wwhat?”

      “Do you seriously think that note’s going to get you a date?”

      “Wwell it’s not as if I can fuckin’ prostrate myself any fuckin’ further, John. Wwhat more do you wwant from me?”

      John thought for a moment before coming up with what to say next. “Eridan, why do you hang out with me?”

      Eridan pondered. “I guess it’s because wwe get each other so wwell.”

      “Why else?”

      “I nevver feel like wwe havve to put a lot of effort into our friendship. Like, evvery time wwe’re hangin’ out wwe can just pick up wwhere wwe left off last time and not have to wworry about it.”

      John prodded further. “Because you don’t have to impress me, you doofus!”

      “I see…” Eridan thought, bringing one hand up to stroke his chin. “So you’re sayin’ I should dowwnplay my status as royalty so as not to intimidate him.”

      John walked toward Eridan and took both of his hands in his.

      “Eridan, I don’t care that you’re royalty. It’s not like you’re even actually royalty anyway. What are you, like, seventy-third in line for the throne?”

      “Sevventy-fourth,” Eridan answered under his breath. “My cousin had her baby last month.”

      “Whatever,” John shook his head. “If you want this guy to like you, let him like you for who you really are. Let him like the real version of you, the version of you that comes over to my place to shit around and play games all day. That’s the person he’s going to end up wanting to be with, not the guy who might be king of some country he’s never heard of where apparently everyone over-pronounces their double-yous if seventy-two specific people and a baby all suddenly die.”

      Eridan pulled his hands from John’s and looked at the note again. “You’re right,” he declared, crumpling it up. “Alright, so wwhat should the note say?”

      “Forget the note,” offered John. “No need to make this into a whole complicated thing. That just sets expectations way too high way too fast. You have his number, right?”

      “Yes.”

      “So call him up and say ‘Hey, wwant to wwatch a movvie this wweekend?’” John said in mock imitation of Eridan’s accent. “’Wwe could see Wwaterwworld, or Wwilly Wwonka and the Chocolate Factory, or Vv for Vvendetta, or…”

      “Okay, enough.” Eridan playfully punched John in the arm. “Wwhat if I just ask him to go for coffee or somethin’?”

      “Even better!” John chirped. “It’s a first date, you don’t want to spend it stuck in a dark theater where you can’t even talk to each other.”

      “Alright,” said Eridan. “Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll just call him up and ask him out.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and started at the screen for a second. He looked at John. “Howw are you so fuckin’ good at this?”

      “Good at what?” asked John.

      “Good at telling people exactly wwhat they need to hear exactly wwhen they need to hear it,” Eridan answered. “I mean, you’ve nevver evven been on a date yourself.”

      John laughed. “Who needs dates?” He hugged Eridan tightly. “I have all the love in the world that I’ll ever need from my friends.”

      Eridan returned the embrace.

      John pulled away from Eridan. “Hey! Later after you’re done asking this guy out, do you want to watch Waterworld? It’s such a sweet movie, I think you’re really gonna like it!”

      “Isn’t that one seen as one of the wworst fuckin’ cinematic piles of shit to evver grace the screen?”

      “I prefer to think of it as a misunderstood classic. Really some of Kevin Costner’s finest work. Especially the part where he filters his own pee and drinks it.”

      Eridan smirked. “Wwhatever you say, lovverboy.”

 

Fin


End file.
